The Davy Jungle is in extreme danger. The state of the Jungle has
been rapidly deteriorating. A new report, published last week, has found that the once pristine landscape is now on the brink of becoming uninhabitable. The environment is now a dank, desolate, decaying wasteland that smells of last night’s Chinese take-out, empty pizza boxes, and beer. We know you must be dying to help save the Jungle, and, luckily, Union College’s administrators feel the same way. After examining the report, they de-
signed three new initiatives to aid with Jungle Conservation efforts that will effectively replace the Union College ChallengeTM. The Mondays of Week 4 and Week 6 are now mandatory Clean-Up days. Classes will be cancelled.
All students will be given shifts in the Jungle. Jobs include collecting waste cans and bringing more light into the environment. (The indigenous species lack natural light and literally cannot see the destruction.) MIRLOC (Mandatory, Inane, Redundant, and Lengthy Online Courses) regarding this situation will be administered to all students, including those abroad. MIRLOC assess knowledge of Jungle conservation efforts and count towards your GPA. Students will experience life in the Jungle through the new Jungle Life program. You have the required opportunity to camp out in the Jungle for a night in order to fully comprehend the situation.

We interviewed a Jungle Life excursion leader to hear his first-hand account.
Us: “How was the trip?”
Trip leader: “Amazing! I totally did something to help with the conservation without putting in any effort! Life in the jungle is an adventure.”
Us: “Wow, we’re glad to hear you had a great trip. When do you want to go back to the Jungle?”
Trip leader: “NEVER! I sleep soundly now, knowing I will nott stay there

If you or someone you know lives in the Jungle, don’t visit them.