by An Anonymous Group of Alive Former Union College Presidents
As every college student knows all too well, one does not simply acquire a new role or gain membership into a new organization without being hazed. Why? Because college students are assholes. Duh. When we heard that Union was looking for a new president, we also began searching, we plunged deep into the archives of the Schaffer Library, even the second and fourth basements! The third basement was skipped as it is still flooded from the crazy rain storms a few years ago and is just used by the Swim team now for after hours practice.
We dug through the piles of papers, floppy disks, USB drives, and notes written down on scraps of toilet paper detailing ideas envision while sitting on the Presidential Porcelain Throne. Unexpectedly, Eliphalet Nott, our most prolific former president was far and away the worst at haz-
ing. He suggested merely asking the presidential candidates to engage in a keg stand competition to determine their worthiness and nothing more! No physical beatings or mental torture at all! We found this incredibly unsatisfying and were determined to keep digging until we found a satisfying program of education.
Alas, our efforts appeared to be in vain until we stumbled upon the archives of Union’s 13th President, Carter Davidson. President Davidson resembled very closely the building that now bears his name. An average height, stocky man with skin composed primarily of brick, Davidson
dealt with much internal turmoil, sometimes expressing itself in brief bursts of incredible noise, first year student stench and the smell of old beer. Nevertheless, he commanded an air of respect from students, faculty and, most importantly, his brothers in maintaining the status and direction
of Union College, his presidential colleagues and the board of trustees.
We discovered in these files that President Davidson was notorious for his thoughtful and ingenious hazing methods. He required all members of the board to assist him through a traditional pointless and useless pledging activity, scoring an entire high school basketball game by hand. There were numerous other outrageous requirements, but none seemed worthy of publication. Nevertheless, I know that I, Rager Hall (totally not Roger Hull), will be able to follow President Davidson’s footsteps to ensure that President Harris is hazed as is befitting of the President of Union College.
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