Schenectady, NY–sources reported Monday that sophomore Alan T. has been able to increase his dining declining points by investing them into low-risk, safe equity and derivative investments. Alan, who had started the term on the 15 block–15 swipes per week plus $200 in declining–put those assets into the market and is now on the 30 block–30 swipes per term and $750 in declining. “It’s a disservice to our economy to see that some people refuse to invest in a mutual fund or another safe bet. You just gotta do your research and take some guesses until you can ride on some profit”,  Alan told Dutchman’s Lampoon. “I’m sorry–did you say meal points?”, Joshua M., Managing Director at Goldman Sachs asked. The Garnet Group, Union College’s Student Investment Fund, declined to make a comment.