While adjusting to our new normal, Residential Life finds itself under heavy pressure from the Board of Trustees to find an alternative to standard campus housing in the event of an online fall to create a more generic college experience for incoming first years. After weeks of Zoom brainstorming, reslife has announced their new “virtual housing” initiative. The package is set to replace standard living and give Union students the same housing experience they would receive on campus. 

“This is very exciting for everyone,” said reslife director Michael Garrison, “Here at residential life we really care about giving Union students the most mediocre housing experience possible, and we will do everything in our power to make it as inconvenient for our students in person OR online.” Garrison would go on to explain that in the fall, every Union student would be billed at full price, and would receive a package before the first day of classes. “Expression and comfort is stupid,” said Campus Safety Officer Jonathon Ringlebaum, “That’s why the virtual housing package will come with posters based off your interests, LED lights for a cool aesetic feel, and even an air conditioning unit. Right after you get the opportunity to hang everything up and install the air conditioning unit, a campus safety officer will automatically join a Zoom call and catch you right in the act! From there, we will go on to explain to you the many fire codes broken and report you to reslife for questioning.” exclaimed Ringlebaum. 

“It’s all about creating an immersive #Union experience,” said reslife associate director Thomas J. Peabody, “Every Union student’s virtual housing program package will come with a lock that doesn’t work unless you rattle the door back and forth, a small hammer and plaster to make your walls worn down and poorly plastered over, and even a couple pieces of chewed up gum to place under furniture in your bedroom!” It’s important to note that the package is just the tip of the iceberg of what reslife plans to include. “Software will become available for first year students to download on their personal devices. At random times of the evening starting at 7pm, RAs can virtually join an unannounced Zoom call to interrogate first years on whether or not they’re high.” said Garrison. “Did I also mention that student activities just added two fire pits for students to relax near? With a population of over 2,000 students, each student will have a 30 second turn to warm up before being screamed at by Campus Safety for overstaying their welcome. It’s a bit premature, but I would say student activities have completely beaten COVID-19. I’m sure students miss no aspects of life before this virus now.”  

It’s wonderful that through creativity, Union College is saved!