Blair's Ultra Death Sauce

In Vermont, my closest friend and I had a hot sauce tradition. Late at night, when we were both feeling tired, we would mix a tablespoon of Blair’s Ultra Death Sauce with some lime juice drink it. Be aware that Blair’s Ultra Death Sauce is no ordinary hot sauce. It is 900 times hotter than a  jalapeño and the bottle clearly warns against taking it without dilution. Once you consume even a tiny drop, your lips start to burn sharply and the pain quickly spreads into your mouth. As the sauce moves down your throat, you can feel your esophagus disintegrating. At this point, the pain in your mouth is unbearable. It hurts to drink. It hurts to eat. It hurts to breath. When it reaches your stomach, you can feel a strong heat eminating from your abdomen, like there is some strange chemical reaction going on that is converting your stomach acid into a fire-breathing mutant dragon. Anything else that you eat for the next few hours drops into your stomach a wooden chair drops into a pit of lava. I swear I could hear it bubbling in there. If you are a rational person, you are probably wondering why? The answer is why not?

Imagine my excitement when I received a brand new jar for college. At Upper, the upperclass dining hall, nearly half the people ended up trying the death sauce. No one made it out alive. Now, my jar is being passed from floor to floor in Davidson, wrecking havoc wherever it goes. It’s a wonderful diversion two weeks before finals. There’s nothing like breathing fire to relieve academic stress.