A nineteenth-century writer once described the world as a ship on its passage out. To which a twentieth-century writer added that the passengers seem more uncertain than ever where they are going. So, as we sail through space, we
continue to probe the unknown, continue to ask about the mysteries of being human. Over the past few months, we talked to a number of Union students who are questioning the nature of faith in their lives as they search for personal understanding. Here are their stories.
Midlife crisis at eighteen Jonathan Zandman '99 had a great first term at Union. He was elected president of the freshman class, ran cross-country, joined the Dutch Pipers, participated in theater, and made lots of new friends.
But when the term ended, he went home and started thinking about death.
For about six months, Zandman contemplated life and death, struggling with the ideas of religion and with his identity as a Jew. “I think I went through a midlife crisis at age eighteen,” he says.
“I didn't know if there was a God and what reality was,” he says. “I got really upset because I thought that there really was nothing after life-that you died forever and entered blackness.”
He questioned the complexities of his religion and the meaning of all religions. “Is religion a crutch for man to ameliorate the sad truth of death and suffering?” he asked.
A computer science major with a mathematical mind, he struggled with the apparent lack of logic in religion and the many contradictions in the Hebrew Bible, which provides no clear guide to the afterlife, he says.
Finally, after many sleepless nights, he began to accept death and not think about it in such a fatalistic sense.
“I came to accept religion for what I think it is-a very useful method for dealing with life,” he says now.
“I don't know how much truth there is in the literature of my religion, but I do believe there is a cause to think that this isn't a coincidence. The right way to approach religion is without frivolous blind intensity-you consider it as a wonderful kind of filler and support but not something to go crazy about.”
Zandman says that it may have been his Freshman Preceptorial, in which he had read the Koran, the Tao, and the entire Bible, that caused him to ask so many questions. He had grown up with a structured religion
– born in Israel, he was raised as an Orthodox Jew-and examining other religions broke that structure.
“I'm a very open person, so it shouldn't have been as
much of a shock as it was, but maybe I considered it more than I thought I did,” he says.
While Zandman's religion is part of much of what he does at Union, it is in some ways both spiritual and social.
He attends Tuesday and Friday night dinners sponsored by the Jewish Student Union so that he can see friends more than say the blessing, he admits. He stays kosher as much as he can, but not necessarily for religious purposes. “I don't know why I do it,” he says. “I guess it's kind of a pact that makes you feel good about something. It's consistent.”
According to Zandman, struggles with spirituality are typical. “College is a volatile period of change. If your views don't get tossed around, there is something wrong. A lot of people go through it in different forms-maybe just not as extreme as mine. But they ask `What do I think, how do I feel, what is religion?' ”
During his own questioning, Zandman learned to see religions as tools, helping people to deal with their lives. Even now, he isn't sure if all religions aren't just tools, but he thinks that they at least serve a good purpose, helping people face questions and problems like the ones he so recently faced.
Choosing fatherhood over brotherhood Last November, Ned Abbott '97 made one of the hardest decisions in his life-to leave the De La Salle Christian Brothers.
“I didn't feel the calling. I didn't feel myself being called to be one of Christ's soldiers,” he says.
Abbott joined the Brotherhood, an order of teaching brothers who help to educate children, during his senior year of high school. He spent three summers working with them, teaching at schools in the Bronx, Albany, and Manhattan, and he loved it.
“It was like a fraternity with higher goals,” he says. “It was a bunch of guys living together, eating together, spending a lot of time together, but the goal was to make a difference in somebody's life one day.”
On one of his first programs, for example, he went to the St. Margaret Mary School in the Bronx and helped run a
play-day for fifteen newly-graduated high school seniors.
Abbott's decision to leave the order was a difficult one, perhaps the most difficult spiritual question he has ever grappled with. In his exploration of himself, he realized that he wanted to be a father and raise a family. “I had a wealth of experiences with the Brothers, but have chosen another direction for my
life one that I think is right for me.”
Abbott says that he gained his strong sense of spirituality at a young age from his parents, who are both Roman Catholic. “They instilled in me not really love of church so much as a love of self and how precious everything is,” he says. “They were supportive and encouraged my questioning about religion. They'd rather have me asking questions even if it infuriated them rather than have me just go along blindly.”
Today, Abbott considers himself spiritual rather than religious, and he disagrees with the Catholic Church on a number of issues. “I have a healthy amount of skepticism for the Catholic Church, but sometimes it gets to be too much,” he says. “I think it was too much when my parish priest said that anyone who even talks about abortion will be excommunicated.”
Abbott doesn't go to church on a weekly basis and does not do formal prayers each day. “But I think about God and my place in the world. My experience with the Brothers is always with me.”
It is sometimes difficult being a spiritual person at Union, Abbott says, but he tries to surround himself with the right people, talking to the chaplains and having long discussions about religion with good friends. “If I didn't have a strong sense of self and sense of spirituality-that there is an 'otherness' to us-I'd feel awful,” he says.
“The spirituality in my life is important because it is part of me,” he says. “It isn't that hard to maintain one's spirituality here. You have some doubts on Sunday mornings, looking back at the weekend, but there are wonderful people here.”
Epiphany in Brazil Heather Buanno '98 comes from a Roman Catholic family, but being Roman Catholic didn't have much spiritual meaning for her until she studied abroad in Brazil. There, she gained religious inspiration as well as academic insight.
In a country where nine out of ten persons is Roman Catholic, her Catholicism gave her a strong sense of security. “In a world that is so foreign, your religion is the one thing you can hold on to,” she says.
She lived with a Catholic host family and attended the local church with them. The first time she went to church, she was amazed to find homeless people, businessmen, mothers, children, and students all praying together. “It just struck me that there were people of so many different age categories and ethnic groups gathered together and having their own private time in church,” she says.
But simply worshipping in a Brazilian church did not spur Buanno's religious awakening. It was her own doubts about the Church that heightened her spirituality.
On a study tour through Brazil, Buanno and her classmates visited the slave churches of Brazil that emerged when the Portuguese colonists expelled blacks from the church. “Then it hit me in the face about my own religion,” she says. “It made me really look at my religion and evaluate it in a conscientious manner. I couldn't believe that something I was associated with had persecuted people. You think that in the house of God everyone is welcome, but there was a time when that wasn't true.”
Buanno weighed the factors of her religion and, finally, accepted the mistakes of the church. “I think part of becoming more religious is accepting all aspects of your religion,” she says. In fact, she says that her questioning has made her a stronger Roman Catholic.
Now, Buanno turns to her
religion more than ever. “When things get really stressful and pressing, it's always the religion I turn to,” she says. She has joined the Newman Club (the Roman Catholic student organization on campus) and has become an active member of a nearby Catholic church.
“I think about religion more so that I ever did before I went to Brazil,” she says.
And she has changed.
“I am a lot more outgoing and somewhat more opinionated,” she says. Her parents have noticed a difference and
are happy with her renewed interest in the church.
So how does she find the time to maintain and develop her spirituality at Union? “I make time for things that are most important to me-academics, religion, family, friends,” she says. “When you are at school there are so many things coming at you-academics, extracurricular activities, a social life that you try to balance in between all the work-you have to take some time out each day just to meditate or talk to God, even if it's just for five minutes before you go to bed or when you wake up in the morning.
“I cannot imagine going through life here at Union without having some sort of spiritual connection or some sort of religious factor to fall back on. It just seems that things would lose meaning without it.”
Buanno isn't sure why she had such an extraordinary religious experience in
Brazil. She went there because she wanted to study the treatment of women in Brazilian society, not necessarily religion. And she greatly enjoyed her internship with one of the world's only
all-woman police force, which helps combat domestic violence and other women's issues.
Looking back, however, it is the rediscovery of her faith that stands out.
Spirituality through S.P.A.M. Betsy Butterfield '99 gains much of her spirituality from her involvement with S.P.A.M. (Spiritual Protestants Active in Ministry).
But she didn't become active in S.P.A.M. until she turned to Chaplain Kathleen Buckley. “My best friend's Mom died and I was having a hard time coping, so I went to the chaplain to talk,” she says.
Now, S.P.A.M. and its Sunday worship sessions are the major force behind Butterfield's spirituality. “I make it my own by thinking about the scripture and using it to guide my life, looking deeper into its meaning beyond the literal interpretation,” she says.
This is the first time that Butterfield has worshipped with Protestants of other churches, and this puts a new spin on things, she says. Recently, a faculty speaker at S.P.A.M. “put a
whole new twist on the Bible … it was awesome,” she says. “This way of looking at it was different from the church I'd grown up with, and it just broadens your horizons when you see something new.”
Butterfield says that much of her spiritual base comes from her family and looking to her godmother and a family friend for guidance in her spiritual journey. “Having people around me who had such a strong faith and who were excited to talk about it helped me to want to experience it more,” she says.
During her junior year of high school, Butterfield became involved in a church youth group, taught Sunday school, and joined the choir and the
hand-bell club. When she traveled with her youth group to a convention for students called “Fun in the Son,” she reaffirmed her faith. As thousands of people gathered in worship and Butterfield watched everyone in her group become “so new and fresh and real,” she realized “there really is something out there.”
Since coming to Union and joining S.P.A.M., Butterfield has had a similar revival of spirit. “I think that by going to worships and learning new traditions and litanies, I've taken my spirituality to another level,” she says. “Going to worship or S.P.A.M. events or working with Chaplain Buckley are the things in my life that have been making me happiest. I feel that I am whole and making good decisions when I do things concerning my spirituality.”
Now she works to maintain that spirituality. “Interacting with other members of S.P.A.M. has made me see that there is no time to be lazy in spirituality-it's not an excuse,” she says. “Once you get up and go to worship, it's so rewarding. At times it is difficult with homework, but you have to remind yourself that this is creating the whole person. Sure you have tests, but in the long run, this is where it's really going to matter.”
Being the Muslim first For Lamyaa Hassib '98, her life is “being a Muslim first and then finding the time to be a student.”
Hassib considers herself religious because “everything I
do revolves around my belief in God. One of the most spiritual aspects of Islam is the way Muslims pray to God. It's something we do daily-at least five times a day-and it really helps us keep in focus and helps us remember God always.”
She acknowledges that college life doesn't exactly encourage spirituality, but she is adamant that it's easy to find time to pray and says that is plausible to be a religious college student.
“You always have to think, `Why am I doing this?' or `Does this agree with what I believe in?”' she says. “And if it doesn't, it's hard to say no, but you have to. Though you may feel bad in the beginning, you grow from that, and you find better things to do with your time.”
One reason Hassib chose Union is because it is close to her home and the Islamic Center, which has become such an important part of her life. She attends weekend sessions at a local Mosque, which she loves. “For us, the Mosque is like a family, and we're all growing up together. It's great to be a part of each other's lives that way.”
Hassib says that she suspects few students are religious. “For me, religion is believing in God, but many students I know have a lot of uncertainty and doubt in what they believe,” she says. “It's so easy, especially for college students, to lose faith and a sense of self in a new community, but you have to be strong and keep learning as you go.”
Hassib has no doubts about her religion, she says, but still asks questions seeking clearer understanding. “I think a good way to better understand your religion is to ask questions about your own and other religions, see where the differences and similarities are, and learn from those,” she says.
She also loves to share her faith with others. “When I took my Freshman Preceptorial, there was a lot of uncertainty about Islam coming from the class and the professor,” she says. “It felt really good for me to be able to explain it and for them to understand it-it was a beautiful feeling. I was so happy that these people weren't just understanding Islam, they were understanding me.”
Maintaining her spirituality For Stefanie Speanburg '98, there is a difference between being religious and being spiritual.
“To me, religion is a way of life,” she says. “You can be religious in daily activities such as brushing your teeth each morning. But spirituality is something within you. It transcends your activities every day. It's not something that's given to you-it's something that you have to work at.”
Speanburg considers herself more spiritual than religious. She doesn't attend church regularly, and she tries to avoid the distinctions between religious denominations. “I think that denominations are basically political institutions and I don't think spirituality has anything to do with politics,” she says. “I like to think of my spirituality as being full of the holy spirit.”
Speanburg credits her parents for her strong sense of spirituality.
“I was fortunate enough to be raised in a household where I was introduced to many different religions at a young age, but I was also brought up as a Protestant,” she says. While her parents' teachings about fraternal love, kindness, and humility are the basis for her morals, her spirituality is something she has strengthened herself, she says. “It is from the process of self-exploration and maturation that I've developed a spiritual sense.”
Although the clarity of her faith is unusual for a college student, Speanburg's spirituality continues to change and grow.
“You have to question your spirituality every time a situation calls you to be the best that you can be, or it calls you to look at yourself and question,” she says. “I think it's life's challenges that actually strengthen your spirituality and cause you to reflect on it.”
To Speanburg, the source of her spirituality is her sense of self-awareness and self-discipline. “It's something I keep reminding myself of.” She recognizes her weaknesses and makes an effort to improve them, always trying to be true to her faith.
To balance her spirituality and the rigors of being a student-athlete (she plays field hockey), Speanburg is close to her family and friends and makes time for her spirituality. “I try to have a quiet time for myself every day-whether it be a half an hour or fifteen minutes here or there-to meditate or pray,” she says.
She maintains a close relationship with the College's Protestant chaplain, looking to her when she needs spiritual
support, and occasionally attends church, either at home or with a friend at a nearby Catholic church, setting aside her dissatisfaction with denominations. “It doesn't matter to me where I worship necessarily, as long as I worship,” she says.
“You don't necessarily have to belong to a religion to be good, upright, moral, and ethical,” she says. “It's just a lot of looking at yourself and putting your faith in something that is stronger and more powerful than you are.”
Speanburg wishes the College would be more supportive of students who are distressed about their spirituality. Even though the chaplains are great, she says, many students hesitate to visit with them.
Nevertheless, she is confident that Union is a great place for spiritual growth. “I think that liberal arts institutions are the most enriching avenues to finding different ways of becoming spiritual because you study the classics, art, literature-things inspired by intensity and richness of emotions,” she says. “It's supposed to make you more open-minded, and as you become more open-minded and aware, spirituality strengthens.”
Her advice to students in search of their faith is to ask questions. “Confusion is okay-it's natural and normal as you're maturing and discovering,” she says. She has asked many questions, she says, and continues to question and reaffirm her faith each day.
Looking to nature Christopher Welch '00 is very thoughtful about his spirituality and what connects him to God.
Welch's spirituality is difficult to define; even he cannot define it. He attends church with his family each Sunday when he is home, but does not go to church regularly now that he is at Union. The lifestyle of college is not conducive to going to church, he
says.
He has not abandoned religion, however. Instead, he gains-and always has gained-a sense of wholeness from being in nature.
“My sense of spirituality comes from being in my environment. I like to take long walks. I've always loved the outdoors and just being part of my environment means a lot to
me,” he says. He grew up spending time on his family's 100 acres of land-hiking, hunting, splitting firewood, and just enjoying the wilderness.
When in nature, Welch engages in what he calls “deep personal communication” with God, and considers himself and his experiences in nature religious.
Looking at colleges, Welch welcomed Union's non-denominational background. “I've always been a person who is very open to many different religions, and it was comforting to know that Union doesn't focus on religion,” he says.
Recently, he has begun to attend meetings of S.P.A.M. (Spiritual Protestants Active in Ministry), which he enjoys. “It's not as confining as some ways of being spiritual are; it's very open,” he says.
To some extent, going to S.P.A.M. meetings has replaced going to church for Welch, who loves the community and fellowship of both entities. “I think there is a place for both personal communication with God and a place for the fellowship, sermon, and occasional communion you find at church,” he says.
Welch says that he hasn't really ever questioned his spirituality, but he sees many people searching around him.
“The college years are a time when people do a lot of searching,” he says. “I'm not sure I've completely found what I need. I think I'm still searching to an extent.”
But he knows that his spirituality is important.
“It's important to me because it lets me know that there is something out there, that there are other people who are reacting similarly. My spirituality allows me to communicate with other people and with God.”
Union is a supportive place to explore spirituality, Welch says. Because the College is not affiliated with any particular denomination, he explains, students of many different religions mingle here. “It's been important to me that there are people who are Jewish and Catholic living next door to me,” he says, explaining that he enjoys learning about other religions and expanding his own beliefs.
Welch admits that he is still discovering and learning, but asserts that he is, to quote a friend, “looking for the perfect way to worship God.” Right now that means going to S.P.A.M. when he can and personally communicating with God through his love of nature.
Helping students examine spirituality
There are several outlets on campus that help students with their spiritual questioning.
Three chaplains
A Protestant chaplain, a Catholic chaplain, and a Jewish chaplain are available to help students, faculty, and staff with any religious questioning. The part-time Protestant chaplain's presence is funded by thirteen local churches; the Catholic Diocese of Albany sponsors the full-time Catholic chaplain, who works closely with St. John the Evangelist
Church; and the Jewish chaplain's three days a week are funded by the United Jewish Federation of Northeastern New York.
Student organizations
Student religious and spiritual organizations recognized by the Student Forum are:
The Jewish Student Union – Hillel works with the campus and local Jewish community to organize holiday celebrations, lectures, dinners, social gatherings, and Friday night
services. The group also helps run the Kosher Kitchen, a student-operated facility that offers fully Kosher cooking at Union.
The Newman Club provides social, spiritual, and servicerelated activities to Catholic students at Union. It works in conjunction with the parish of St. John the Evangelist, where students become active members of the Church community.
Spiritual Protestants Active in Ministry (S.P.A.M), formerly the Campus Protestant Ministry, encourages students to explore the serious depths of spirituality through questioning and invites its members to come together in worship, song, laughter, friendship, and service.
The Union College Christian Fellowship invites Christians on campus to gather for Bible study, prayer, singing, and other activities, including retreats.
