Letting go of children when they head off to college can be difficult for parents, but readjusting to having these now adult-age students home again for the summer can be equally challenging.
For many college students, living at school is the first time that they have experienced total freedom. If they decide to skip an early morning class, there is no parental wrath with which to deal. They can eat what they want when they want. Gone are the days of house mothers who did bed checks. Curfew is a foreign word, instantly archaic once a student moves in to the dorm. Today's college students do not have authority figures checking up on their whereabouts – that is, until they move back home for the summer.
ALLOWING TIME
First, parents should allow some time for their child to adjust to being home again.
“Students really do need some decompression time and tend to like to kick back a little after the frenzy of finals, and hopefully parents understand that,” said Lis Bischoff-Ormsbee, director of the Parents Program at Union College in Schenectady.
She says that parents need some time to adjust, too. “When you haven't had your student around all year, it is hard to adjust having him back full time,” she said, noting that students, too, need to get used to their parents.
Students and parents have different lifestyles, which can create the potential for conflict in some households.
“We go to bed, and that's when they go out,” said Kathy Robetor of Latham, whose daughter will be a junior at Siena College in the fall. “There's a lot of adjustments that happen.”
Siena College sophomore Ryan McIntyre of Bergenfield, N.J., admits that as the youngest of five children he had it easier than his older siblings when it came to what time he had to come home at night.
He said that the night is just getting started at 10 or 11 when he is at school. He likes to head out around 11 p.m. to get together with friends. His brothers and sisters paved the way for him. Instead of demanding that he be home at a certain time, his parents will tell him: “Don't come home too late,” but other than that, they don't give him a hard time.
“When my sister went away to school, they had a lot more rules for her,” McIntyre said.
Carol Nason of Charlton, whose daughter just finished her freshman year at Le Moyne College, did not impose curfews when her daughter was home for previous breaks during the school year. However, Nason said she doesn't like the idea of a teenager being on the road between 1 and 5 a.m., and she does anticipate having some conversations about how late she wants her daughter to be out driving.
Robetor asks her daughter to give her a “ballpark idea” of when she will be home, and she and her husband ask their daughter to come in and let them know that she is home safe.
“During a work week for us, we've got to have a certain time limit,” Robetor said, because it interrupts their sleep. They ask their daughter to be home by an agreed-upon time, or if she decides to stay at a friends' house, she needs to let her parents know by a reasonable hour so that they do not wait up for her.
“You want to know that they're home safe,” Robetor said. “The kids need to understand that and have respect for that,” she said. Many a parent of college-age kids tosses and turns waiting to hear the click of a door knob signaling a safe return home.
USING THE CAR
Another issue that plagues some families when college-age kids return home is who is going to use the family car. “We have experienced car conflicts every single break she came home. So we avoided that conflict,” said Nason, who purchased an additional vehicle.
Students are not used to anyone, other than professors, putting de- mands on their time. At college, they are used to eating when they want and making their own schedules, not having to worry about other family members.
Nason said that she decided long ago that she was not going to demand that her daughter be present for every family meal. She only asks that her daughter let the family know whether she will be there for dinner. “Periodically, if I want us to do it [eat together], I'll give her advance notice,” Nason said.
Household chores can be another potential conflict. Many parents will expect students to do the same tasks they did when they were in high school. “We have to get back into that routine where you're part of the family, and you have certain responsibilities,” Robetor said.
Nason said that her daughter does her own laundry and maintains her own room. “There is the expectation that she'll pick up after herself,” Nason said.
Being back at home with their parents is a big adjustment for the students, too.
McIntyre prefers the school setting where all of his friends are close by. “You always have someone to hang out with,” he said.
Nason said that her daughter has a busy life and many friends at college, and leaving her friends behind for the summer has been a hard thing to do. Nason anticipates that once her daughter starts working and develops a routine, living back at home will be a little easier.
Parents do not like to have their students home just lying around, Bischoff-Ormsbee said. “Parents will encourage their students to get a job, go visit friends, get an internship or all of the above,” she said.
Both Nason and Robetor stress flexibility in dealing with college students. Robetor said that it is important to discuss potential issues up front and come to an agreement about how to deal with them.
While having college kids at home again can be a huge adjustment for both parents and kids, most parents relish it. “We love having her home,” Robetor said of her daughter. “As they grow and mature, the relationship is on a different